I decided to post this mainframe joke thread as I was looking for it the other day on Google and couldn't find it! It disappeared into the void of history. Thankfully I had a copy from my 1987 Commodore 64 saves. Enjoy! -Tim Vasquez, 6/18/2015

IBM Virtual Universe Operating System - OS/VU


The following is a running dialogue that went on over VMSHARE - a computer
conferencing system available to IBM installations with VM Operating Systems.
a copy of this dialogue was given to NTSU by some friends at the University of 
Kentucky Computing Center and was published by NTSU in "BENCHMARKS" the 
publication of the NTSU Computing Center.

From:   'CYC at MIT-MC (U of MD Cyclotron Labs)' Arpanet. . .

Programming announcement released from IBM:


Because so many users have asked for an operating system of even greater
capability than VM, IBM announces the Virtual Universe Operating System - OS/VU.

Running under VU the individual user appears to have not merely a machine of 
his own, but an entire universe of his own, in which he can set up and take 
down his own programs, data sets, system networks, personnel, and planetary 
systems.  He need only specify the universe he desires and the OS/VU system
generation program (IEHGOD) does the rest.  This program will reside in 
SYS1.GODLIB.  The minimum time for this function is 6 days of activity and 1 
day of review.  In conjunction with OS/VU, all system utilities reside in 
SYS1.MESSIAH.  This program has no parms or control cards as it knows what you
want to do when you execute it.

Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophistication in 
the data processing field in an efficient utillization of OS/VU is to be 
achieved.  Frequent call to non-resident galaxies can for instance, lead to 
unexpected delays in the execution of a job.  Although IBM through its wholly-
owned subsidiary, the United States, is working on a program to upgrade the 
speed of light and thus reduce the overhead of extraterrestrial and meta-
dimensional paging, users must be careful for the present to stay with in the 
laws of physics.  IBM must charge an additional fee for violations.

OS/VU will run on any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature.  Rental is
twenty million dollars per cpu/nanosecond.

Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems and hard-
ware to OS/VU as soon as our engineers effect one output that is (conceptually)
error free.  This will give us a base to develope an even more powerful OS, 
target date 2001, designated Virtual Reality'.  OS/VR is planned to allow the 
user to migrate to totally unreal universes.  To aid the user in identifying
the difference between Virtual Reality' and Real Reality', a file containing
a linear record of multisensory total records of successive moments of now will
be established.  Its name will be SYS1.EST.

For more information contact your IBM data processing representative.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     08/08/80     15:14:10     by     TYM     <<<<<<<


During the IPL do not respond to the message "SPECIFY SYSTEM COMMANDMENTS" with
MOSES.  I did, and we were down for forty days and forty nights.

 1.  Programs don't simply abend; they nova.
 2.  A black hole occasionally appears in the supervisor and sucks up 
     CICS.  (I thought this was an enhancement, but IBM assures me its a
 3.  Great care must be taken to avoid mixing data and anti-data.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     04/24/81     16:16:48     BY     MKN     <<<<<<<

 It is reported that problem 2, above, is caused, not by software, but 
 by production difficulties with a new part, the light-absorbing diode
 (LAD).  This device, with 2 inputs and no outputs, is rumored to be 
 used throughout the VU system.  Some installations are reported to fear
 that damage from this problem could spread.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     04/24/81     23:51:56     by     STU     <<<<<<<

Many users of the Virtual Universe operating system have discovered that their
6670 laser printers are now capable of producing output on tablets, thereby
increasing the credibility of the reports.  This is achieved by using high-
intensity atribute bytes instead of the usual carriage controls.  Unfortunately,
this practice can have undesirable side effects upon operators, particularly 
during forms changing and line-up.  IBM has announced that it will accede to 
OSHA demands, and has retained Robert Heinlein, noted author of "Starship 
Troopers", to assist in the development of proper operator attire.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     05/05/81     15:57:04     by     MKN     <<<<<<<

Another quirk of VU has been discovered.  I tried to create a development 
library, but misspelled the dataset name.  It seems that when there is a 
SYS2.DEVILIB around, everything goes to Hell.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     05/07/81     15:53:50     by     MKN     <<<<<<<

Should that read "another quirk" or "another quark"?     ...Joe Morris

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     05/11/81     12:36:52     BY     UNT     <<<<<<<

IBM today announced that a new teleprocessing method, the Warped Hyperspace 
Access Method (WHAM).  This spectacular product will soon be available to OS/VU
users.  The most significant feature being that data ttransmitted at a given 
time will arrive at it's destination before it has been transmitted.  This is 
due in part to some of the development work being done by the OS/VU development
team while attempting to solve the aforementioned paging problems with non-
resident galaxies.

Although the planning for this project has not yet begun, it is expected that 
the ability to send data backward in time will result in near immediate 
availabity.  IBM plans to transmit this new access method to current users of
OS/VU directly from the future.

Specifications will not be available until the product has been fully tested
(which means probably never).  When asked what communications controller would 
be used, IBM declined to answer on the basis that they simply didn't know yet.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     05/19/81     21:58:34     by     MTE     <<<<<<<

Announcement of a new network architecture for users of OS/VU:

IBM today announced the development of the Teleporting Network Achitecture 
(TNA) which will replace SNA for users of OS/VU.  With this advanced networking
capability, telephone lines or sattelite communications will no longer be need-
ed.  With TNA's revolutionary new molecular protocol, data will be directly 
beamed between nodes in your network.  With the Multi-Planetary Network Facility
(MPNF - optional at an additional charge.), you may beam data to nodes on 
different planets and/or galaxies.

"It is IBM's intention to expand this capability to allow the beaming of 
operators btween nodes, although this is still in the testing phase", the 
originator of TNA, Carl Sagan, was quoted as saying.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     05/21/81     09:58:25     by     AMX     <<<<<<<

Is WHAM a replacement for ESAM (Extra-Sensory Access Method)?  The latter is 
really a headache.

>>>>>>>     APPENDED     05/22/81     12:29:23     by     MKN     <<<<<<<

TO MKN:   The response that takes the system down for forty days and forty 
nights is "NOAH".  If you specify "MOSES", the system is down for forty YEARS.
However, once this period of time has elapsed, it is no longer possible to 
specify the "MOSES" option.